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What the Baltimore Real Estate Ads Really Mean

We’ve all read them and used them, in the search for the perfect house. My dad and sister have sold real estate and I once had a license. Crafting an ad is a challenge to promote the best features of a home. After reviewing thousands of newspaper ads, I think I’m qualified to decipher the words and phrases that are most used. Here they are:

Owner Must Sell: Duh!

Quaint: Really old without being historic

Picturesque: Hard to look at

Cozy: Small

Under Appraisal; originally overpriced

Remodeled: Repainted

Close to Shopping: there’s a 7/11 on the corner

Gourmet Kitchen: Has a sink and oven

View Lot: View of the lot next door

Extra Security: Front door has a lock and key

Fixer Upper: Ready for Demolition

Family Neighborhood: Lots of screaming kids and barking dogs

Privacy: Overgrown bushes

Executive Home: Includes bathrooms and bedrooms

Three-Car Garage: If one of them is a motorcycle

Dream House: Because ‘Nightmare House’ would scare you away

Custom Cabinets: Hand painted by the previous owner

Upgraded Flooring: New area rugs from Walmart

Highly Desirable: The owner desires to get out

Model Home: If you happen to be Twiggy

Well-Maintained: They occasionally mowed the lawn

Working Fireplace: You can still smell the smoke in the living room

Water View: When the sprinkler is on

Needs TLC: It was totaled in a fire

Just Reduced: It was totaled in a fire

Ideal Location: If you like living near a toxic waste dump

Large Lot: Makes up for the itsy, bitsy house

Original Owner: The house is older than the Bible

Priced to Sell: (refer back to ‘Owner Must Sell’ above)

For Sale by Owner: Too cheap to pay a Realtor

Perfect for You: Are they really psychic?

If you’re a real estate agent and I have offended you by any of these terms, get a life. However, if you are in the market for a home, I happen to have a beautiful, inviting, open floor plan, 3 bedroom beauties…

Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising and has a Master’s Degree from Monmouth University. He had his own advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, “Pursuit of the Phoenix,” available at amazon.com. His latest book is, “Inside the Yellow Pages.” Currently, he is the Marketing Director for thenurseschoice.com, a Health Information and Doctor Referral site

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Tags: Ads, Baltimore, real estate